How Not to Successfully Bake
by dark-night-sky
Summary: Karkat has the misfortune of being paired with Dave one cooking lesson in school, as his usual partner is ill. He quickly descovers that he never wants to ever cook with Dave again. Dave quickly descovers that Karkat takes his baking very seriously. Oneshot Davekat.


**How Not to Successfully Bake**

Karkat discovered that he loved baking. It wasn't something that he could say he really expected to like, whenever it came up in conversation or in his movies he always scoffed a little at the idea of people finding it fun, what with all the time it took and the washing it created. But it was important apparently for you to learn how to cook while at school, so he was saddled in a food class, with a mixture of other students, paired with one of his sort-of-friends Jade, who seemed a lot more excited about this whole thing than he was.

After a while, her excitement began to rub off on him, and he was incredibly glad that he was paired with someone who took the baking seriously, and sort of knew what they were doing, because as soon as that first lesson ended, he was all over the baking craze.

The more he practiced outside of class, the less Jade would do inside of class. She didn't seem to mind that much, not that he cared, as far as he was concerned her doing less meant she had less chance of getting in his way. They formed a weird friendship during the time, and she went from his sort-of-friend to, as she said, his 'baking buddy'.

Until she came down with the flu and had to take the day off school, on the same day that her twin came down with the flu and also had to take the day off. Infecting each other, it was disgusting.

Of course, that left him partner-less, which he was excited for, until the teacher told him that he could team up with John's partner. She was signing him to his death. He'd watched John and his best friend cook, and it was not a pretty sight. There was no way he was letting that blond douchebag anywhere near his cooking. The asshole could just sit down on a stool out of his way and keep quiet.

When the taller boy leant against the counter, apron wrapped over his usual red and white shirt, white-blonde hair styled to perfection, Karkat knew his will would be weak. His will was always weak when Dave fucking Strider was involved.

"We are making some rules right now," Karkat announced, staring straight into those inky black shades. "Rule number one: you sit on a chair out of my way and touch nothing."

"That sounds incredibly boring, Vantas," Dave replied in a similar tone, but with a lot more level-headed calmness. "I think I'll ignore that rule."

"You cannot ignore rules."

"Fairly certain I can, seeing as I regularly ignore the whole 'do your homework' rule."

"These are rules that are not acceptable to be ignored. You must follow them. You must do exactly what they say."

"Rule number two is that I have the right to veto dumb rules so rule number one is replaced with Dave is the ruler of this kitchen and will get to lick all the spoons."

"Ew. Do not be so disgusting. There will be no spoon licking."

"That's the best part bro you can't skip the best part."

Karkat huffed. "I said no, assmuncher, stop wasting time being a twat!"

"How about I agree not to lick the spoons if you agree to not make me sit on a chair and do nothing for the entire lesson."

He hesitated, thinking it over. "Fine, but you have to do what I say!"

"Whatever you say, Vantas."

It was the start of something horrible. Karkat knew it.

Half an hour was all it took to prove that Karkat's knowledge was indeed fact. This was horrible. Dave did not know the first thing about baking and every suggestion he had Karkat was fairly certain he was joking about because no they were not going to see what would happen if you put the same amount of sugar as flour, don't be ridiculous. He was constantly up behind Karkat, either questioning his every move or narrating what he was doing. Eventually Karkat tired of it and gave him a task to do.

Worst decision ever.

"No, Dave, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Cracking me some eggs."

Karkat felt his irritation levels begin to boil, growling low in his throat. "You're doing it wrong; you're going to get shell inside!"

"I think I know how to crack an egg, thanks."

"You clearly don't!" he was going to start shouting soon, he knew it. Especially when Dave purposefully _dropped the fucking shell into the mix. _

"Whoops."

"_Whoops_?! That's not a fucking whoops you shitstain, you purposefully _ruined the mixture_ and you've not even added the eggs in properly you can't just put them all in in one go what the fuck are you even on this is why I said you should stay in a fucking chair and let me do the work because you have no fucking clue what the shit you're doing!"

Dave gave an impressed whistle. "They could make a dangerous drinking game out of you and the amount you swear."

"_Don't change the fucking subject asshole we are doing serious business here_!"

"Serious business of filling up the swear jar, bet you could afford a Caribbean cruise with all that cash."

Karkat was never going to let Jade get away with being ill and leaving him with Lord Turd. "I hate you."

"Aw, I love you too, Sparkles."

He felt his face heat up, mouth hanging open in horror, trying to find some sort of comeback to reply with, but all he could hear was the repetition of that name. For once, the usual indifferent mask that Dave wore slipped, the corners of his mouth turned upwards in a satisfied smile, not a smirk, an actual smile. That did nothing to help the temperature of Karkat's face.

Especially not when he heard Terezi at the station next to them begin to cackle manically, and he knew she'd heard, and could probably smell his embarrassment, with her weird blind-smelling-shit.

"I don't think we need any tomatoes in this train wreck of a baking lesson, you can stop trying to produce one."

The loud sound of his fist hitting Dave's cheek was enough to get the teacher's attention. It was also enough to get him a detention, and enough to apparently put Dave off bugging him for the rest of the lesson.

He didn't turn up to collect the cupcakes that came out the oven later that day. He was not stepping anywhere near them.

It only surved to make his blood boil when he caught sight of Dave in the passenger seat of a car, the shaded boy acknowledging him by holding up a cupcake and trying to shove the whole thing in his mouth in one go.

Karkat grimaced, and next to him Terezi giggled. It would've been funny, he guessed, if he wasn't so angry.

xXx

The next cooking class, Karkat rounded on Jade, glaring fiercely at her from across the work station, arms folded and not at all happy. She gave him an apologetic grin, shrugging helplessly. He had told her what happened, and from what he gathered so had Dave, though he imagined their stories had been wildly different.

"Glad to see you've actually bothered to turn up today."

John arrived on the scene, standing next to Jade at the work station, giving him the happiest smile Karkat could possibly stomach without feeling ill. "Hi Karkat!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Now that's no way to say help to your favourite person ever!"

"Good thing that's not you then, isn't it, dickweed?"

"I'm just wanting to bake some goodies with my adorable sister."

Karkat's eyes snapped to Jade. The apologetic grin on her face, the helpless shrug, that wasn't from last time. It was for today. "Fuck off."

"I'm sorry, Karkat, we just really wanted to do something together!"

"Bullshit you did go find your own partner, Egbert."

A shadow next to him indicated that another person had joined their group. "What's going on over here?"

John turned his wide smile to his best friend. "Just some partner swapping."

"Excuse me?"

Jade finally spoke up, and dear God did Karkat wish she hadn't. The tone she used was one he did not approve of, especially not with John next to her waggling his eyebrows. "We just thought Dave would like some more time to get to know you, Karkat."

Dave spluttered. He actually spluttered.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, Harley?!" Karkat spat, ignoring the oddly behaving boy next to him. "I don't think either of us would _like _any-fucking-more time together."

"Well," she drawled, mischief glittering in her eyes for a moment as she glanced at Dave. "I wouldn't say that, would you, Dave?"

"We're going to our station."

She giggled, wiggling her fingers at him.

"What? No. We're not finished here," Karkat argued, but it was too late. Dave was stalking off towards an empty station on the other side of the room to the twins. "Strider!"

"Strider's striding away," John said.

That was enough to push Karkat to leave them and follow his new baking partner.

Dave was surprisingly quiet for the beginning of the lesson. They were making cookies, and with the boy not trying to get under Karkat's skin, they weren't doing that badly. It was kind of off putting, if he was entirely honest; knowing Dave was there working with him and not being a dick about it all. Though he appreciated, really. He could bake in peace. If he told Dave to sit down and let him do the work, Karkat was certain he would.

"Got to add the flour next," Dave said, reading from the recipe book.

Karkat rolled his eyes, grabbing the bag "I have made cookies before, you know."

Dave looked like he was about to say something, but something stopped him, snapping his mouth shut and turning to face the window. Karkat frowned, looking in the direction Dave turned from. Did the blond see something? It would help if his eyes weren't covered by those stupid shades all the time.

Jade and John were giggling away at their station, whispering behind their hands. Karkat scowled harder, turning his attention to opening the flour packet.

It wouldn't open.

"Here, pass it to me, I'll do it."

"I'm perfectly fucking capable of opening a bag of flour."

"You're clearly not, hand it over."

He glared, pulling the bag closer to his chest, but Dave got a hold of it, and gave it a tug.

"Let go."

"No!"

"Seriously dude give it here I have scissors or something."

"I can do it!"

"What kind of child are you."

"Give it to me!"

There was a ripping pop that filled the room, both boys stumbling backwards, all eyes on them. Apparently their argument had gathered attention, as well as what followed, which would be the bag splitting open, covering their fronts in white powder.

Karkat shook his head, trying to get rid of some of it. Dave attempted to wipe his glasses.

"Can you two not at least try to work together?" it was the sound of their teacher, standing next to them. Karkat groaned, dropping the rest of the bag onto the table. At least not all of it escaped. "I think if you're going to be so much trouble in this class, you need closer supervision."

"Sorry Miss."

"Both of you go clean up, you can finish your cooking during your lunch break."

Karkat's head snapped up, gawping at the teacher. "What?!"

"If you find it so difficult to get along in class, we'll see if we can manage to make something outside of class."

"That's not fair!"

She gave him a pointed look, frown creasing her brow. "And it's not fair on the other students in the room to be disrupted by your behaviour. Now Dave, you may go clean up first, I don't want to have to deal with you both getting in a fight while trying to clean, do I?"

Dave nodded once, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading for the door, running a hand through his hair and getting flour all over the floor as he walked. From the unimpressed sigh that the teacher gave, he could assume Dave did it on purpose.

He could not believe this. First he gets detention for punching Dave. Now he gets a detention for…whatever the hell just happened. This was not his week. Sure, he was kind of known for being angry and aggressive and snapping at anyone who tried to get in his way while he was cooking, but he wasn't sure he'd ever done it quite that childishly.

"Cheer up, Karkat," Jade said at the end of the lesson, giving him a friendly pat on the back. "You'll get to spend all of lunch, just the two of you!"

Karkat felt himself beginning to fluster. "I fail to see how exactly that's supposed to make me feel better about this situation."

"I can think of a fair few people who'd like to have Dave all to themselves."

"I am not one of them."

"Are you sure? He's very cute."

"Strider is not cute," Karkat huffed. "He's annoying, and arrogant, and selfish, and annoying, and-!" he flailed slightly as he tried to come up with a suitable adjective to describe the other boy. One that wasn't cute. Because he wasn't cute.

"Attractive? Handsome?"

"Argh!"

"We can work with that."

"Whatever, just so long as the teacher's there to make sure he doesn't get in my way, I'm sure it'll be relatively painless."

Jade giggled. "Hey, I'm sure he'll appreciate getting to spend the whole of lunch with just the two of you!"

"What is that even supposed to mean, anyway?"

"Nothing!"

He didn't trust the sing song voice. Not that he had much of a choice.

xXx

Apparently having the teacher supervising them really helped their ability to get along. It was probably due to the fact neither really wanted to be there, and that before they had gotten into the classroom Karkat threatened Dave with bodily harm if he did anything to upset the balance of things. It was proving to be going better than their cooking usually did.

Until a student knocked on the door, and requested the teacher, forcing her to leave the room, telling them she trusted them on their own. Karkat didn't understand how that ever went through her head as a possible good idea in this situation.

There was something that Karkat wanted to know, however. Something that had bugged him all day. "What the fuck is up with Harley and Egbert?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean why are they acting weirder than normal, though I never quite thought that would be possible, they seem to have managed it, and it's got something to do with you, so I want to know what it is."

"Don't know what you're talking about."

Karkat scowled, folding his arms across his chest and glaring at the blond. "Don't act all coy with me, asshole, Jade keeps suggesting that you want to spend more time with me."

Dave continued what he was doing.

"Answer me!"

"Turn the oven on, would you."

"Dave!" Karkat snapped, giving the blond a shove to separate him from the station. "Why do they think you want to spend more time with me?!"

"Is it that hard to believe?" Dave snapped back, creases at his temple giving away his anger behind those god damn fucking shades. "Am I not allowed to want to spend more time with you?"

"Why would you?" his voice came out softer than he intended. "You don't even like me!"

"Don't go around telling me what I do or do not like, Vantas."

"Would you stop bullshitting around and come out with things straight for once?!" he was really losing his patience, not that he had much to start with. "You keep dodging the question and coming out with all this crap and its so-_argh_!"

Dave rounded on him, arms flying out to trap him against the station, frustration clear on his face. It was strange how easy it was to read Dave when he wasn't trying to hide his emotions so much. It made Karkat's stomach do weird flips.

"They're suggesting that I want to spend more time with you because I do, but they think that I'm too shy to actually spend time with you, so took matters into their own hands, apparently, little meddlers, they're like-!"

"I am going to stop you before you go off on a tangent and ask you oh so politely to get the fuck on with it."

Dave shifted awkwardly, pulling his hands back as if just realising how close they were. "That's what's wrong with them. They're trying to set us up. Or something."

Karkat felt his cheeks heat up, floundering for words. "They're _what_?!"

"The idea of me that repulsive, Sparkles?"

"No-_yes_! Stop calling me Sparkles!"

Dave raised a brow, something shifting on his face. "You sound a bit indecisive."

"I am not."

"You sure about that?"

"Don't come any closer to me, Strider."

Dave smirked, his hands meeting the counter again, one on either side of Karkat. "Why not?"

"In case you infect me with your dirty, slimy, heterosexual breeder germs."

"We're actually having this conversation and you're calling me a heterosexual?"

"I don't care what you are; you still have dirty, slimy germs. Perhaps they're the reason you've got such a bad case of stupidity."

"I think you mean a bad case of awesome."

Karkat would later blame it all on impulse and an overwhelming desire to just get Dave the fuck off him. Though part of it really was just impulse. He pressed forward, both hands gripping the side of Dave's face, crashing their lips together and submitting to the fact that yes, he did want to have sloppy makeouts with Dave Strider. Apparently the blond wasn't quite expecting it though, seeing as he faltered, hands falling from their place on the counter, awkwardly settling on Karkat's hips.

"What's wrong, shitstain?" Karkat asked through a whisper, smirking up at the boy. "Kat got your tongue?"

"You're so hilarious."

"Don't be jealous, green really doesn't suit you."

He couldn't quite say exactly how Dave ended up on the counter, his hands in Karkat's hair, while Karkat stretched up to reach him, hands roaming wherever they felt like going, the bowl of pastry mix upside down next to them, tongues locked in a furious battle of hockey. They were like that when the teacher eventually returned, however.

She wasn't impressed.

Dave spent the rest of the day walking around with flour staining the seat of his jeans.

xXx

_I had the beginning, I had the end, I had no idea what was going on in the middle. You know, like usual. This was inspired by a conversation I had in the Davekat club, about Karkat probably being a really srsface baker, while Dave just kind of pisses about and pisses him off. _

_Then this happened. _

_Hope you enjoy it! _

_R+R _

_Thanks ~ _

_Kivea _


End file.
